SEXPress
"SEXPress" is a weekly sex advice and information column written byTool Shed owner and sexuality educator Laura Anne Stuart. It appears in the Shepherd Express, Milwaukee's independent weekly newspaper, as well as online at ExpressMilwaukee.com.
Links to Laura's archived SEXPress colums are included below. Feel free to submit a question to the column!
This Week's SexPress Column
Men and Sexual Violence: Moving Beyond 'No Means No'
Last week, I attended a forum sponsored by the Illinois Department of Human Services called “Taking Action: How Men Can Stop Violence Against Women.”The forum kicked off with a taped address from Vice President Biden, in which he exhorted men to respect that “no means no” and asked them to “be a man” in standing up against sexual violence. I appreciate very much that the VP has demonstrated such commitment to ending violence against women during his political career. However, I was a little disappointed that he pulled out these tired tropes during his speech. Unless we move away from rhetoric like “no means no” and “be a man,” we are not going to truly engage men in this struggle. [Go to full article]
The Douching Dilemma
I was recently chatting with a colleague who works at a sexual health care clinic about common issues or concerns that are brought up by patients. I was surprised that vaginal douching was the first thing she mentioned, saying that many of the women visiting the clinic did not realize that douching can actually be the cause of, not the solution to, some of the health problems they were experiencing. [Go to full article]
Advice for an Aspiring Porn Star
Reader question: I am a 29-year-old male who is highly attracted to the porn and sex industry. I would like to be a shemale post-op or ladyboy (physical characteristics of a lady and male genitals) and enter the dream profession. Can you tell me whether it would be the right decision and guide me through the details of the process?. [Go to full article]
Sexual Healing: Reclaiming Sexuality After Violence
This Saturday (Oct. 15) at 8 p.m., the Tool Shed is hosting a free workshop called “Sex for Survivors”. This event is meant to provide a safe space for survivors of sexual violence to discuss how their experiences have impacted their sexuality. Rebecca Steinmetz, a therapist from Chicago who is facilitating the workshop, answered a couple of questions for me in advance of the event.. [Go to full article]
Steady as He Goes: Tips for Strap-On Use
Reader question: Do you have any advice for an FTM (female-to-male) transguy for using a strap-on? Any advice for first-time strap-on users? [Go to full article]
Silent Scream: When Orgasms Don't Make Any Noise, Part 2
Reader question: I have been dating my girlfriend for about 10 months. We are very much in love, and we have a very active sex life. We are both 22. She has had many, many relationships in the past, both serious and casual, and swears that she was able to orgasm from vaginal intercourse for almost all of them. With me, however, this has never happened. [Go to full article]
Silent Scream: When Orgasms Don't Make Any Noise
Reader question: I've performed oral sex on many women. All but a few have reached climax. Normally they will buck and squirm, and I feel contractions in their vagina and anus. Often there are moans, heavy breathing and perhaps screaming. One woman I've been with confuses me. For a long time, I wasn't sure if she was having an orgasm. [Go to full article]
Is Breast Feeding Affected By Nipple Clamps?
Reader question: My wife would like to try the nipple pinchers that she uses on me. We are worried that they may affect future breast-feeding. [Go to full article]
Dealing With Cramps During Bondage
Reader question: What do people do about leg or arm cramps when bound? This is a problem for us. [Go to full article]
Oh, God: Sex and Spirituality
Over the past couple of weeks, I've led two trainings at two different churches about implementing sex ed as part of a religious education program. When people who don't know me well hear this, they either think that I'm promoting some kind of abstinence-only, purity-until-marriage, sex-is-a-sin type of curriculum or that I'm joking. Neither is the case. [Go to full article]
Is Oral Sex a Non-Negotiable?
The September issue of Glamour magazine has a cover article with the prominently placed teaser headline, "The #1 Thing He Craves In Bed Tonight Is...". The answer is oral sex, and the article goes on to talk about how much more common oral sex is now than it was years ago and how many women find it both empowering and enjoyable to go down on their partners (with, of course, the requisite women's-mag sidebar containing "how to please your man" tips). [Go to full article]
Balancing Sexiness With Integrity
Reader question: As a woman, how do you balance self-respect with being sexy? [Go to full article]
My First Sex Toy: Advice for Newbies
Reader question: I am trying to get a toy for my girlfriend, but we are both very new to this idea. What would be a good starter toy, in your opinion? [Go to full article]
Sharing: Not Always As Easy As It Sounds
Reader question: My wife and I purchased the Share Petite double dildo from the Tool Shed and have tried to use it. We have the problem of the larger end not fitting into my wife. Could we be doing something wrong? Is there a certain way to insert it? Any suggestions? We are new to pegging; after reading your article on pegging, we thought to give it a try. [Go to full article]
Multiple Orgasms: What Exactly Is Happening?
This week's question was kindly supplied by a new acquaintance during post-dinner conversation. "My friends always say, 'Oh, he gave me multiple orgasms,'" she mused. "What exactly do they mean by that?" This led to a brief debate about whether "multiple orgasms" is commonly used to mean having more than one orgasm throughout the night or having more than one orgasm in quick succession. [Go to full article]
Do Lubricants Affect Fertility?
This week at the store, we hosted a discussion group whose members were interested in learning more about how lubricants affect fertility. For the 15% of U.S. couples who have difficulty conceiving, every little detail related to sex and reproduction—including which type of lube you use—is worth exploring. [Go to full article]
More on Herbal Supplements for Erection Enhancement
In April, I answered a question about using herbal supplements, such as ginseng or yohimbe, for erection enhancement. I referred interested readers who wanted to learn more to Milwaukee Acupuncture & Oriental Medicine Services, where Jaret Sahr works with patients on these issues. I was able to talk further to Sahr, who is a licensed acupuncturist with a Master of Science in Oriental medicine, about such supplements. [Go to full article]
Fisting Revisited
Reader question: OK, here's one for you: Even though it may not be for everyone, is fisting safe, and does it feel good? [Go to full article]
Numbing Lubricants: A Terrible Product, or the MOST Terrible Product?
Reader question: I have a question about using Anal Eaze to numb the anal region of my girlfriend and then proceed to have sex. I understand that Anal Eaze will numb everything that it is applied to, but are there any other consequences? My girlfriend enjoys it when I insert my tongue in the hole as well as lick around the hole and insert my finger or a small anal plug. My next step is to insert my penis; I have attempted insertion once and got the head in by using Vaseline, but it was painful. [Go to full article]
Feeling Like a Scientific Experiment on Birth Control Pills
Reader question: I'm on my second stint with birth control pills after a few years' hiatus. However, after one cycle, I have noticed a severe drop in my sex drive. My physician's response is to continue on a different pill. This is frightening! I'm not interested in becoming a guinea pig at the risk of my sex life! Seeking an additional opinion, please. [Go to full article]
SlutWalk Comes to Milwaukee
You may have heard about the SlutWalk movement, which has gone global since its inception in Toronto earlier this year. Organized by a small group of people in response to a Toronto police officer's comment in January that "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized," the primary purpose of the walk is to call attention to the victim-blaming that often accompanies reports of sexual assault. [Go to full article]
Should I Be More Sexually Aggressive With My Wife?
Reader question: I am a straight, married man who has been monogamous with my wife for 10 years. I've noticed a decline in my libido for the past five years and have tried taking some supplements, but I am looking for something to help increase my sexual appetite and demeanor with sex. [Go to full article]
Battle of the Bulge
Reader question: Is showing a very large bulge considered offensive? I can't pack it down much, and jeans always fade around that area, highlighting it. [Go to full article]
OM NOM NOM: Orgasmic Meditation Provides Food for Thought
You've probably heard of the "slow food" movement, which encourages people to consume locally grown, sustainable meals—the opposite of "fast food." Since "slow food" began in the mid-'80s, many other "slow" movements (most recently "slow house") have followed on its heels, all embracing a general philosophy of living in the present moment, savoring experiences and resisting our society's tendency to equate "faster" with "better." It was only a matter of time before someone applied this concept to our sex lives, as author Nicole Daedone has done with Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, published this week. [Go to full article]
What's Up With This Funky Spunk?
Reader question: I've been with my 47-year-old boyfriend for two years, and I enjoy giving him oral. By now, I've gotten familiar with the viscosity and taste of his jizz. For the last two weeks, it's been off. It's not thick and creamy, but a bit watery and opaque, like coconut water. Also, it has an odd taste. Yesterday, after he came in my mouth, I couldn't stop coughing—it feels like I've got a big phlegm blob trapped in my upper throat. Could he have started some medications in secret that have affected his jizz? Or is he just getting older, and this is normal? What about the phlegm blob? [Go to full article]
How Can I Meet Like-Minded People?
Reader question: Is it acceptable for a single male to attend social events or classes that you have at your shop in hopes of meeting someone with the same sexual desires and willingness to be open and explore them? What is the best place to meet someone who shares the same open-mindedness when it comes to sex play, bondage play, toys, etc.? [Go to full article]
Wearing Lingerie Gives Me a Thrill!
Reader question: I have liked wearing lingerie since I was a teen. I am now 56 and still do. What caused me to like wearing lingerie? [Go to full article]
Herbal Treatments for Erection Enhancement?
Recently, a customer asked if herbal supplements, such as ginseng and yohimbe, can enhance penis width or thickness. The short answer is that simply taking these substances without also looking holistically at other factors that may impact sexual performance is unlikely to yield much of an effect. [Go to full article]
Is Craigslist a Good Place to Find a Sexual Partner?
Reader question: I've been on the Craigslist personal ads a few times to look for someone with which to have a sexual encounter. I've never built up the courage to meet with anyone from the site, though. I was wondering if it is a safe place to find someone for a sexual partner? Any help/advice would be appreciated! [Go to full article]
The Sad Truth About Happy Endings
Reader question: Do you think it's ok for a married man to get happy endings from his female massage therapist? I've been going to a licensed CMT who provides a very high quality massage and an erotic hand release. Sometimes she will do the hand release first so I can be relaxed during the massage. [Go to full article]
Help! I Have Too Much Lube!
Reader question: I thought it was funny when I ran across the article "Stop The Presses! Lubricant Makes Sex More Pleasurable!" because while I am sure that is the case for many women, a few women experience more problems than benefits with lubrication. In my case, my sweet spot generates entirely too much lubrication—so much, in fact, that it makes sex less pleasurable. [Go to full article]
Bars: Not a Good Place to Pick People Up, Actually
People often come to the store to ask how they can find others with like sexual interests. Folks are most commonly seeking kink or BDSM communities (which I've written about in previous columns), but occasionally are in search of more "vanilla" activities like threesomes. [Go to full article]
Sex, Love and Cheating
Reader question: I've been married to a really good guy for 10 years now. Two years ago, I ran into a guy I dated in high school. We talked a bit, and I agreed to meet him the next day for lunch. To make a long story short, since that time we've been very sexually active. I know I should break it off, but the sex we have is insane. [Go to full article]
Are There Any Foods That Help With E.D.?
Reader question: I just read your article about erectile dysfunction and I agree with your answer. I, too, do not have as good of an erection as in the past. I am 56, and it seems that it started at about 50 years old, like your article said. There is no problem with having sex once, but that second erection often does not happen. My question is: Without drugs, is there any type of food I can eat to help get a harder erection? [Go to full article]
Why Not K-Y?
At her "Certified Orgasmic" workshop last weekend, Dr. Ruthie told participants that using a decent brand of sexual lubricant could go a long way toward enhancing their sex lives. "If you're using K-Y, throw it out," she stated bluntly. After the class was over, one of the attendees asked if I would write a column about this topic, since he found her comments about lube to be quite eye-opening. [Go to full article]
Searching for Kinky Resources
Reader question: In your column with Sarah Sloane [about suggestions for people whose partners would like them to be sexually dominant], you mentioned, "There are also plenty of kink-oriented classes and organizations in Wisconsin that you can visit to learn more about what fun can be had." Could you give me some direction in how to find such classes and resources? [Go to full article]
Thinking About Erectile Dysfunction Medication?
Reader question: I am a 50-year-old male, married twice. Sex was always short but sweet, 10 minutes or so. I'm currently seeing someone new. I rarely have sex twice in a short period of time because I can't get another erection, but what's really bothersome is that I worry about losing my erection during the first session—and many times now I get embarrassed and frustrated, so we don't have sex at all. My question is: Am I a Viagra candidate? [Go to full article]
College Hookup Culture: Myth or Reality?
On Valentine's Day, the Tool Shed participated in a Sextival at UW-Milwaukee organized by Planned Parenthood and Advocates for Choice (A4C). In addition to helping A4C distribute safer sex supplies, we collected questions for SEXpress. One anonymous Sextival-goer asked, "Why does it seem that most college students aren't hooking up?" [Go to full article]
Nervous About Trying to Dominate a Partner? Sarah Sloane Tells You How to Start
Washington, D.C.-based sexuality educator Sarah Sloane swung through the Midwest this week on a mini teaching tour. Although Sloane leads all kinds of classes, including fellatio and female ejaculation, she's best known for her work around kink and BDSM (as well as being an avid knitter!). I caught up with Sloane to ask for her thoughts on a common question we get at the store. [Go to full article]
The Roethlisberger Payback
This week, I received a message from a reader asking me to pledge to donate $10 to a rape crisis center every time Ben Roethlisberger is sacked by the Green Bay Packers during the Super Bowl. Inspired, I agreed and asked the hostess of the Super Bowl party I'm attending if I could encourage her guests to do the same. Why should you also embrace this idea, despite the fact that it's bound to be controversial? Read on. [Go to full article]
You're in an ‘Adult’ Store—So Act Like One
Dealing with groups of loud, giggling young people is an unfortunate occupational hazard of working in a sex toy store. There's a first time for everything, including shopping for lubes and vibrators. However, it's not necessary to broadcast to everyone else in the store that you don't know how to behave. As a service to feminist sex toy store owners everywhere, I present the following guide to proper "adult" store etiquette. [Go to full article]
Sex Toys vs. Porn Stars
This is my second column about the infamous Adult Entertainment Expo, which takes place every January in Las Vegas. Last week, I wrote about the surreal experience of the parallel trade and fan show floors; this week, I recount my adventures at the exceedingly boring, but much blogged about, AVN Awards, which is basically the Oscars of porn. [Go to full article]
Porn Education
I just returned from the Adult Entertainment Expo and Awards, which takes place every January in Las Vegas. While there are lots of "adult" trade shows throughout the year, this one is open not only to business people in the industry, but also to the public, which makes it a somewhat bizarre study in contrasts. [Go to full article]
Choosing and Using Glass Toys
One of the most frequently asked questions at the Tool Shed concerns sex toys made of glass. This question usually comes up as people walk past the case where our glass toys are displayed and say something like, "Oooh... glass. Those are so pretty. But aren't they... DANGEROUS?" A common alternative ending is, "But aren't they... COLD?" [Go to full article]
How Can I Bring Up Using Toys and Bondage With a New Partner?
Reader question: I am a lesbian and have been dating the girl I've had a crush on for two years for a couple of months now. Even before we were dating, we did a good amount of touching, groping and breast play, but personally I would like to take things a little further, and I think she would, too. What would be the best way to go about bringing up the possible use of toys or even some light bondage? [Go to full article]
What Is Relationship Coaching?
I get a lot of questions from workshop attendees and customers about sexual issues within relationships. Sometimes I can point people in the right direction with a short conversation, but often couples need to spend a significant amount of time working through these issues and ask for a referral to a professional. Usually people ask for a "sex therapist," but a sex or relationship coach is another option that is growing in popularity. [Go to full article]
Stop the Presses! Lubricant Makes Sex More Pleasurable!
Last week, researchers at Indiana University released findings from a new study about the effect of lubricant use on women’s sexual pleasure. The study, published in the November 2010 issue of TheJournal of Sexual Medicine, showed that women who used water-based or silicone-based lubricants during sex reported higher levels of sexual pleasure and sexual satisfaction than women who did not. [Go to full article]
Sex, Erections and Frustration
Reader question: My wife and I have been married for three years and have been together for almost 10 years. The problem I have is that I can't hold an erection during sex, though I can during oral. It puts a lot of stress on our marriage because my wife can't get pleased by me unless I give her oral, but then I can't have an orgasm because she is tired after she has one. What do you think I should do? [Go to full article]
Can You Use Nipple Clamps on Pierced Nipples?
Reader question: I have barbells running horizontally through my nipples and I can't seem to find nipple clamps that work for me. I have large breasts, and clamping behind the piercings doesn't really work; I can't get the clamps tight enough and they slip off. Also, I'm concerned that the clamps are pushing my piercings forward and I'm afraid they would start to grow outward, as piercings sometimes do. [Go to full article]
Gravy and Groping: This Thanksgiving, You Get Both!
My family celebrated Thanksgiving early this year. If your family is anything like mine, you can expect to have at least one dinnertime conversation about the new Transportation Security Administration (TSA) airport rules regarding pat-downs and scanners, both of which are far more physically invasive than they have been in the past—meaning, TSA officials get to either see you naked or grope your genitals. [Go to full article]
Mythbusters—Sex Edition: Is Silicone Lube Flammable?
I saw the flammable properties of silicone lubes mentioned in the monthly newsletter of a well-respected sexuality educator. Has an urban legend been born, I wondered? Once something like this starts to pop up online, it's only a matter of time before someone walks into the Tool Shed and asks about it, so I decided to conduct a small experiment to prove or disprove this statement. Yes, for you, dear readers, I will light stuff on fire in my own home. [Go to full article]
When a Partner Doesn't Take Your Boundaries Seriously
The hardest questions to answer are the ones about relationships and negotiating sexual boundaries, because there are no quick-and-easy solutions that apply universally... [Go to full article]
Can Sexual Problems Be 'All in Your Head'?
Reader question: How do you know when a sexual problem (e.g. lack of desire or premature ejaculation) is a psychological problem or a physical one? [Go to full article]
Getting More Sex in a Long-Term Relationship
Reader question: How do I initiate more "knocking the boots" in an eight-year relationship? [Go to full article]
Is It Harmful to Use Lube During Anal Sex?
I've been on a roll for the past few weeks with questions related to anal sex. This situation isn't unique to my column; when I saw Dan Savage speak at Northwestern University a couple of weeks ago, he received so many queries related to butt play that he quipped, "There are a lot of dusty vaginas in this town." Although anal sex is not actually more common than other types of sexual activity... [Go to full article]
More on Wearing Anal Plugs Long Term
A while ago, I answered a question about wearing butt plugs for an extended period of time (read that column here). I received the question below as a follow-up to this column: While I understand that 10- to 12-hour use of an anal plug is fine, my concern is with 24-hour use, removing only for defecating and hygienic necessities... [Go to full article]
Anal Sex and Erectile Dysfunction
Reader question: I am 60 years old and have been married for 37 years. My wife and I have incorporated anal sex into our lovemaking. We both give and receive. She will use large dildos on me, and she will also use a strap-on (pegging). Usually, once she finishes with me, I am able to maintain an erection and return the favor. This has been going on for 20 years. Over the last three years, I noticed that I cannot maintain an erection... [Go to full article]
Three Questions With Deborah Sundahl, Female Ejaculation Expert
As regular readers know, two of the topics that I most frequently answer questions about are the G-spot and female ejaculation. There’s still a lot of mystery and misinformation out there about this area of our anatomy; in fact, I stopped using an otherwise-excellent book in my teaching this year because of the inaccurate information it contained about the G-spot... [Go to full article]
Just Because I'm Drinking, It Doesn't Mean I Want to Have Sex With You
Last week, I took part in a sexual assault prevention program for new college freshmen. While these types of educational events have become standard at many campuses across the country, which shows some progress in the way our society perceives sexual assault, the opinions expressed by many students during the program made me think that we were still living in Victorian times... [Go to full article]
Sponges: Birth Control, Menstrual Product, or Both?
From the "Questions People Ask at the Tool Shed" files: This week, we had a customer query us about the different functions a sponge can perform in the vagina. Yes! In addition to serving as a household cleaning tool, sponges can also prevent pregnancy and take the place of a tampon! However, sponges...[Go to full article]
How to Tell a Partner About HPV
Reader question: I'm over 65 and starting to date. I became aware that I have HPV in 2006 when my gynecologist suggested I have a colposcopy after a Pap smear procedure. I did, and when she later suggested I have a LEEP procedure for this problem, I had that done as well. After my last Pap smear... [Go to full article]
‘Nerd’ Is Not a Dirty Word… Or Is It?
I am a self-described nerd. By this I mean that I've always been a little weird, a little quirky, not saying or doing the right thing at the right time. I think that "weird, quirky and not quite right" often illustrates how people feel about their sex lives, especially since we don't have many chances to talk honestly about sexuality. We would benefit from embracing our inner nerd... [Go to full article]
Do Age Differences Matter When Meeting New Partners?
I have recently started looking around again after being asexual for a significant time. I am 30, but have never been credited for being older than 25 when someone guesses, so I very frequently find that I have a woman seven to 10 years my junior interested right up until I tell her how old I am... [Go to full article]
What to Do When He's Too Big
Contrary to popular belief, bigger penises are not always better. Although they may photograph well in porn and allow actors to get into all sorts of camera-friendly crazy positions not usually attempted by the average male, being photogenic does not always translate into being a source of pleasure for a sexual partner... [Go to full article]
No Shame, No Blame: Embrace Your Sexual Fantasies
Last weekend, I attended a sex toy trade show in Miami (yes, I know—my life is really hard). The best part of the show was getting to connect with other sex-positive store owners, managers, buyers and educators. Over piña coladas and in the pool... [Go to full article]
Is Your Vulva Obscene? On Facebook, Censorship and Female Genitals
As a sexuality educator, I perform a constant balancing act. On one hand, my mission in life is to enhance communication about sexuality, to create spaces where people can get information about sex without fear or shame. On the other hand, I can never forget that our culture automatically labels almost anything having to do with sex as “obscene.”... [Go to full article]
Sexy Ways to Beat the Heat
It's hot--really hot. If you don't have air conditioning, it might even seem like it's too hot to have sex. However, there are some fun ways to add an icy tingle to your play, even in the middle of this heat wave...[Go to full article]
‘I Contain Multitudes’—A Discussion of Biology, Monogamy and Sex at Dawn
"Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes)." --Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”
The passage above is quoted near the end of the recently published book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. The authors are using the quote to refer to female sexuality, but I think that it could be applied to human sexuality as a whole... [Go to full article]
Under Lock and Key: Male Chastity Devices
Lately, we’ve noticed an increasing interest in male chastity devices at the Tool Shed. These are devices that restrict access to the male genitals, thus preventing masturbation, sexual intercourse and/or orgasm, or causing pain if an erection is achieved. There are two basic types... [Go to full article]
Trimming Pubic Hair
Reader question: Do women like men to trim their pubic hair? [Go to full article]
Anal Explorations, Part 1: Hemorrhoids and Anal Sex
Reader question: I had some hemorrhoids rubber-banded about a week ago. How long should I wait to have anal sex? [Go to full article]
Do All Women Have a G-Spot?
Reader question: Do all women have a G-spot?I have been trying to find my wife’s for years now, and I just cannot find it.I know it is supposed to be in about 2 inches on the front side. What might I be doing wrong? [Go to full article]
Bi Any Other Name
This weekend is Milwaukee PrideFest. That, coupled with Marquette’s recent decision to rescind its offer of employment to a lesbian professor, has many people in our city thinking about issues related to sexual orientation. Because I was recently asked to develop a workshop on bisexuality, I am dwelling on bisexual identity, biphobia and what meaning the term “bisexual” currently holds. [Go to full article]
Add Some Bling to Your Thing: How to Use an Erection Ring
This week, as I sat surrounded by more than a dozen different types of leather bands (with Velcro, studs, snaps, multiple rings, figure-8s, and more), it occurred to me that this would be a good time to write a column about a frequently misunderstood topic: how to use an erection ring (also known as a penis ring, cock ring, or c-ring, for short). [Go to full article]
Four Questions with Amy Cooper, Sex Enrichment Coach
Sexual enrichment coach and clinical sexologist Amy Cooper usually spends her time working with individuals or couples in coaching sessions designed to overcome the shame, difficulties and challenges that many of us experience when it comes to sex. She recently took a jaunt through the Midwest, and I caught up with her afterwards to ask her advice for those who might want to add some spark to their sexual relationships. [Go to full article]
Straight Men and HPV
One of the sexually transmitted infections that I get asked most about is Human Papillomavirus (HPV). Thanks to relentless advertising for Merck's Gardasil vaccine, many people are aware that some strains of HPV are linked to cervical cancer in women, and about 37% of teen girls have received the Gardasil vaccine in the U.S. since it was recommended for routine administration in young women in 2006. [Go to full article]
Is Kink 'In'?
Last week, one of the Tool Shed’s suppliers called us to say that they had picked up a new line of kinky gear we had suggested they carry. The supplier had seen this gear at a recent trade show. “The booth was mobbed. Kink is in!” she proclaimed. [Go to full article]
Everyday Enemas
Last week, I received a sample of the new Fleet Naturals Cleansing Enema (yes, these are the kind of unsolicited items that are sent to owners of sex toy stores). Fleet calls this product “the first disposable pre-filled enema dedicated for the purpose of rectal cleansing. [Go to full article]
Putting the Drunken Hookup to Bed
Sexual Assault Awareness Month, which is observed across the country each April, is winding to a close. Over the past few weeks, I’ve led trainings, screened films and participated in programs about sexual violence prevention. I’m optimistic because, finally, links are being made between sex-positivity and violence prevention—that is, that being able to openly discuss and celebrate our sexuality instead of feeling shame about it helps us set clear sexual boundaries, enthusiastically consent to the types of sexual activities we enjoy and reduce social acceptance of sexual violence and victim-blaming. [Go to full article]
Prepare Students Through Knowledge—Not Criminalization—of Sex Education
By now, much has already been written about Juneau County District Attorney Scott Southworth’s letter threatening legal action against teachers that abide by the new Healthy Youth Act, which requires schools who offer sexuality education to provide medically accurate information about contraception and condom use. Express Milwaukee’s Lisa Kaiser wrote about it. Hell, our humble state even made it into Dan Savage’s blog, under the heading “The Stupid Never Stops.” [Go to full article]
The Biology Behind an Erection
Reader question: What is the biology behind an erection? Can men have erections without testicles? Without a prostate? [Go to full article]
All the Single People, Put a Ring on It
Last month, the Chicago Female Condom Campaign got some press for its new initiative to promote awareness of the redesigned female condom (known as the FC2). The campaign, called "Put A Ring On It", touts the benefits of the FC2, which is worn internally in the vagina or anus and held in place by two rings—hence the name of the campaign. [Go to full article]
What's Your Flavor?
Reader question: Can you tell me if flavored condoms for oral sex still are not recommended for vaginal or anal sex? [Go to full article]
When Is the Right Time?
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for one year. We are both virgins. We’re talking about having sex, but I’m not sure. How do you know when you’re ready? [Go to full article]
Am I Having an Affair With a Sex Worker?
Reader question: I think I'm having an affair with my prostitute. For the past two years, I have been seeing a prostitute twice a month. I'm single and really don't date under normal circumstances. During the past month, we have been talking more and seeing each other outside of our business relationship. [Go to full article]
Playing Handball: A Guide to Fisting
Reader question: What’s the best way to introduce anal fisting without causing too much damage? Answer: The term “fisting” refers to the practice of inserting the entire hand into a partner’s vagina or anus. In the gay community, this is often called “handballing,” which I consider a more accurate and less frightening term. [Go to full article]
Do Men Enjoy Sex More Than Women?
Last week, I facilitated a sexuality education workshop for a group of college students, which I ended, as usual, by collecting and answering anonymous questions. I asked students to write either a question or their favorite sex fact on an index card... I was surprised to receive this "fact" in the stack of cards that were returned to me: "Men find sexual intercourse more enjoyable than women." [Go to full article]
The (Almost) Impossible Dream: Orgasm During Intercourse
Reader question: I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years now. While we have an active sex life and I enjoy that in general, I don't really get all that excited about physical sex itself. I like making out and fooling around and everything leading up to actual sex, but then that part is not that exciting for me. [Go to full article]
Electro Love: When Only Plug-In Vibes Make You Come
Reader question: I am a female in my 20s who has a boyfriend close to my age. We have been together three years. I am able to have multiple orgasms with a vibrator (a plug-in style) that I use on myself, but I have never been able to give myself an orgasm with my fingers alone. My big problem is that while I can orgasm by using this vibrator on myself, I have never been able to reach orgasm through sex with my boyfriend or through him using a vibrator on me. [Go to full article]
Strap One On
Last weekend, we held a "Strap-On Sex 101" class at the Tool Shed. This was the first time that we had offered this particular workshop, and I was fascinated to see that it generated more phone and e-mail inquiries than any other class we've held. [Go to full article]
Guest Blogging: Body Image and Sexual Pleasure
This week, my friend Gwendolyn Glover has asked me to guest-blog on her Web site, Little Miss Writer. Her theme for this month is people's relationships to their bodies, and she asked me to write about how I think a person's body image affects their capacity for sexual pleasure. I'm cross-posting my thoughts here and on Gwendolyn's blog. [Go to full article]
A Beginner's Guide to Pegging
This column is written in response to a suggestion from a Tool Shed customer who felt that talking with us at the store had made him feel less "weird" (his word) about his desires, and thought that other men might find the same information valuable. So, forthwith: a beginner's guide for heterosexual men who are interested in being anally penetrated by their female partners. [Go to full article]
Splish, Splash: Female Ejaculation and Watersports
Reader question :I have a question about an activity I want to do with my wife of 16 years. Not long ago, I was using a rather large dildo on her. She was standing, which was not the normal way for us to do dildo play. Several times I removed the dildo completely and, when I did, there was a significant amount of clear fluid that came out. [Go to full article]
Antidepressants & Libido: Holistic Remedies
Reader question: I’m curious about non-pharmaceutical aids. The stimulating gels [that were mentioned in the last column] would fall into that category, but what about aphrodisiacs, supplements, etc.? [Go to full article]
A Warty Situation
Reader question: I have a wart on my penis that has been there for about 15 years. It is getting larger, about 10 millimeters, currently. I have been monogamous with my partner for 20 years. Three questions: Can this wart be removed? Can I infect my partner? Will a condom prevent infection? [Go to full article]
Antidepressants and Sexual Response
Reader question: A common side effect of many antidepressants in the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) class is “sexual side effects” in both men and women. These include decreased libido and anorgasmia. Are there any remedies that don’t interfere with SSRIs and birth control that can relieve these unpleasant side effects? [Go to full article]
Buying a Sexy Gift for Someone? Proceed with Caution
At this time of year, we get many people in the store who are looking to purchase presents for their partners. Buying a sexy toy, book or DVD for someone can be a great way to spice up your relationship or carve out some me-time during the crazy holiday season, but since every person's sexual desires and responses are so unique, it can also be really difficult to pick out just the right thing. [Go to full article]
Lube Job
Some of the most frequently asked questions that we get at the Tool Shed concern sexual lubricants. Customers often stand in front of our Wall of Lube, wanting to purchase some, but unsure where to start. [Go to full article]
Living the Celibate Life
Reader question: I was wondering if you could recommend any good resources on nonreligious celibacy. That is, I'm thinking about being celibate, but [this] isn’t related to any religious values. [Go to full article]
Dam it, Janet
Reader question: What’s the current stand on plastic wrap as a dental dam? There's the “non-microwavable” thing [using non-microwavable plastic wrap instead of microwavable], which I thought referred to the days of yore when plastic wrap that was microwavable had visible perforations in it. Non-microwavable plastic wrap doesn’t even exist anymore, does it? [Go to full article]
The Balancing Act of Safer Oral Sex
Reader question: I am hanging out with a bunch of gay guys, and they have lots of oral sex. [Where we live], it’s estimated that 5% of the population is HIV positive. Their answer to being “safe” is: “If you're sucking a guy off, pre-cum is safer than cum, so as long as you don't let him cum in your mouth, that's better.” Is pre-cum really safer than cum? [Go to full article]
Madison Young: Just Another Wholesome Porn Star from the Midwest
Last month, actor and filmmaker Madison Young visited our fair city to present "Reclaiming Pornography One Orgasm at a Time," which examined the differences in and the debate about mainstream, independent and feminist pornography. [Go to full article]
Pop Goes the Weasel: Preventing Condom Breakage
Reader question: Sharp-penis-guy is constantly breaking condoms. It doesn't seem to matter which brand he buys or the partner or what lube. It is agreed the sex doesn't seem particularly rough. Do you have any ideas? I was wondering if larger condoms might help, but he is not particularly large. [Go to full article]
Numb Nuts: Why I Don't Recommend Desensitizers & Other ‘Enhancers’
I recently received a question via Facebook about whether or not I could recommend a libido enhancer for men. I’m not reprinting the exact question because it wasn’t submitted specifically for this column, but I do want to address it here since I am frequently asked at the Tool Shed about libido enhancers, pills that are supposed to improve sexual performance, and products that can delay ejaculation. [Go to full article]
Trick Question: What Are the Symptoms of Common STIs?
Reader question: What are the symptoms of gonorrhea, syphilis and Chlamydia? What are the risks of giving oral to a man and receiving oral from a man? [Go to full article]
Sex, Lies, and Republicans
Reader question: Why do Republican politicians engage in extramarital and gay affairs after they say they are Christian [and] pro-family values? [Go to full article]
Men and Aging: The Erection Connection
Reader Question: I love my partner but only get hard when I am in her mouth. Is this normal for a guy 56 years old? [Go to full article]
Rim Job
Reader question: Do most women like having their butts licked, or is my girl special? [Go to full article]
HPV: Is Woman-to-Woman Transmission Possible?
Reader question: A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with HPV. Her previous long-term relationship was with a woman who had HPV, and her doctor told her that it is impossible for HPV to be spread through lesbian sex. I'm assuming that's not the case, since my friend didn't have it before she was with her ex, and has it now. I was hoping you could give me some information about HPV, how it can be spread, and ways my friend can protect her current partner from getting it. She's really freaking out because she feels like her doctor lied to her and her ex, and she doesn't want to put her current girlfriend at risk. [Go to full article]
Asexuality and Relationships
Reader question: I am wondering how well asexuality can work in relationships. I am a 25-year-old woman and I have zero sex drive. It's not that my very wonderful boyfriend of over a year is unattractive, overweight, or just an overall bad guy. I just don't have the urge. What is wrong with me? [Go to full article]
Oral Sex and Yeast Infections
Question: A man said that he and his wife have noticed that she tends to develop yeast infections after he's gone down on her, and I've actually had a similar experience with a previous partner. His question was about what to do. Any suggestions on what's causing it or what he can do to make his mouth more oral friendly? [Go to full article]
Close Shaves
Reader question: What are the best products, shavers, creams, techniques, etc. to use to shave my partner’s pubic hair in order to eliminate any potential harm and prevent her from having discomfort after the shave? [Go to full article]
50, Fabulous and Frisky: Part 2
Last week, I addressed the first part of this reader's question about how to confront our own attitudes about sexuality that we'd like to change. This week, I'll answer her second question about changes that take place in our bodies as we age that may affect our sexuality. Although our minds and bodies are inextricably intertwined, each topic is important enough to deserve a separate answer. [Go to full article]
50, Fabulous and Frisky: Part 1
Reader question: I am in my late 50s, got "unmarried" 8 years ago, single mom, etc. Now my parenting days are winding down, and I have time to develop my personal relationships. I feel like I'm back in the late '60s with a very conservative upbringing about sexual attitudes and relationships. What resources do you recommend that would help me sort through my old information and attitudes. Also, what changes can I expect in my sex life as my body ages and what solutions do you suggest? [Go to full article]
Asexuality: The Invisible Sexual Orientation
Reader question: I have had sex a couple dozen times 15-20 years ago. I don't remember it being very good. But there is a lot of talk about it, from Viagra ads to articles like yours. Am I missing something? I don't feel the need. Is there something wrong with me? [Go to full article]
A Brave New World of Oral Sex
Reader question: [We're] new at this. We both were wondering why gay men have oral sex? The two of us are considering doing it [for the first time] and want to know if it is safe. I have tasted my own cum after masturbating, and it tasted salty. Will his also? [Go to full article]
Fakin' It
Reader question: What is the most respectful way to tell your partner that you didn't/couldn't orgasm? No man has been able to, but I'm tired of pretending. [Go to full article]
Penises, Piercings and Pleasure
Reader question: One of my friends knows a lot of guys who get Prince Alberts (the piercing). He says they all claim that sex with the piercing has been much, much better. Why would that be? Or does that sound like some strange occurrence/claim? [Go to full article]
Flex Your Sex Muscles!
Reader question: Is there a way to strengthen the PC muscle?
Response: I answer this question in honor of Tatiata Kozhevnikova, who reclaimed her Guinness Book of World Records title of "Strongest Vagina" last week by lifting more than 30 pounds using her PC muscle. [Go to full article]
Cunnilingus Conundrums
Reader question: I love-I mean LOVE-eating pussy. Not to be nasty, but I will stay downtown for an hour and a half at one time. My first question is: Why won't she allow me to make her come more than once by going down on her? Second question: Do women like a man to be open about giving oral sex... or is it a turnoff to tell a woman that you love to give oral sex? [Go to full article]
Health Risks from Anal Play?
Reader question: I read your butt play article and I'm interested in whether there are any known health dangers. My girlfriend is a nurse and claims there's a high risk of some kind of cancer. What say you? [Go to full article]
New Tricks from an Old Dog
Reader question:
My guy and I broke up for nine months last year. We have since worked out our problems and are happily back together. While we were apart, he dated and had sex with another woman. When we first started seeing each other again, he asked me to do some things during sex that were not in our repertoire before, so obviously they came from him having sex with someone else. It made me very uncomfortable-not with the act itself, but because of the fact that he did this with someone else first. Is there any way to get over these feelings? [Go to full article]
Sex After Breast Cancer
Reader question: I'm a 50-year-old man and my wife is 48. We just celebrated our 27th anniversary. About six years ago, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, she has made a miraculous recovery. However, because of the treatments and drugs she had to take after her lumpectomy, her desire for sex has all but diminished. I, on the other hand, still have a very strong sex drive and crave the intimacy that intercourse brings to a couple. [Go to full article]
“So, Um, Have You Ever Thought About Trying…?”:
Introducing A Fetish to A Partner
This week, I have a question from a reader who has asked for confidentiality, so I will use gender-neutral pronouns (ze/hir/hir instead of she/her/hers or he/him/his) and will not print the actual question that I received in order to protect this reader's privacy. The question concerns a topic that is simultaneously well known and misunderstood: sexual fetishes. While the reader was asking about a specific type of fetish, I am going to address the topic in a general way here... [Go to full article]
Speed Racer
I've gotten several questions recently about premature ejaculation. I commend both the couples and the men on their own who have approached me to ask about coming more quickly than one would like; although some people might feel embarrassed about this topic, it's one of the most common male sexual concerns. [Go to full article]
May Is National Masturbation Month!
Here in Wisconsin, most people think that the month of May brings daffodils, the end of the school year at UWM and Marquette, and (finally) some warm weather. For the past 14 years, it's also been time to celebrate a little self-loving. [Go to full article]
Breast and Nipple Play
Reader question: I've heard that there is a new boob sex technique for a man and a woman. Although I assume that it involves genital to breast contact, I can't imagine what this "new" technique might be. Have you heard of this? While we are on the topic, what kind of sex toys are there for boobs anyways? [Go to full article]
Having Your Cake and Eating It Too
Reader question: I'm a single, middle-aged man. I enjoy dating but do not want to get into a serious relationship. I enjoy sex, but sex seems to just ruin friendships because women like exclusivity. It's hard just to be friends with a woman if you are having sex. Makes me feel obligated... [Go to full article]
The Return of Buttgirl
Tristan Taormino is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women as well as the forthcoming Anal Sex Position Guide, which will be published in May. She directs a series of educational DVDs for porn powerhouse Vivid Entertainment, including the Expert Guide to Anal Sex... [Go to full article]
Helen Boyd Does Milwaukee
Helen Boyd, the author of My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married, will be in town this weekend, making stops at UW-Milwaukee, the Tool Shed, and the Gemini Gender Group. Boyd's books chronicle her experiences with her partner Betty's gender journey, as they explore together Betty's identity as a male crossdresser and, later, as a transsexual woman. [Go to full article]
Greening Your Sex Life
You probably recycle. Perhaps you've started to carpool, bike, walk or take the bus more frequently to cut down on gas use. Maybe you're switching out your chemical household cleaners for good-old baking soda and vinegar. But have you thought about ways to make your sex life more environmentally friendly? [Go to full article]
FAQs, Part 2: Doin' the Butt
In last week's column, I discussed female ejaculation, a subject that is invariably asked about in every sex ed workshop I facilitate that includes time for anonymous questions. A close runner-up for the most frequently asked-about topic is anal sex. [Go to full article]
FAQs, Part 1: Female Ejaculation
I make time for anonymous questions at most of the sexuality education programs that I do. Over the past several months, the hands-down most frequently asked questions have been about female ejaculation. [Go to full article]
Lip Service, Part 2
Lip Service, Part 1 focused on performing oral sex on people in possession of a penis. Since last week's article was about vaginas, let's continue the theme and talk about cunnilingus, aka oral sex involving a vulva. [Go to full article]
Keeping Vagina Fresh
Milwaukee is awash in Vagina this spring. UW-Milwaukee staged a production of Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues last month, the Milwaukee Gay Arts Center (MGAC) has its version of the Monologues coming up, and Marquette students will be presenting their own Vagina show in the next month or so. After several years without a major production of The Vagina Monologues in Milwaukee, what gives? [Go to full article]
Express Yourself
Reader question: When I was younger and would masturbate, I would be able to "express" myself for many feet. Whether I was in the shower or bathroom, it seemed to have quite a bit of "oomph," whereas now, in my mid-30s, it seems to "fizzle." Is this something I should chalk up to getting older, or can I regain my youth somehow? [Go to full article]
Social Networking the Old-School Way
Reader question: I am a gay SWM, middle age, and consider myself a nice, normal person. I know how to make interesting conversation that can engage most people. Typically, by the end of the conversation I give a person my card. I generally wait until an occasion arises to invite the other person to participate with me, such as coffee. I almost never get a response... [Go to full article]
Sexual Healing: From "No" to "Yes" in the Field of Rape Prevention
My entry into the field of sexuality education was a volunteer job as a rape crisis counselor, a position that I held for two years right after I graduated from college. I knew that I wanted to do some kind of work related to sexual health, and the most pressing issue seemed to me to be the threat of violence and shame that loomed over my sense of sexual self-determination as a young woman. [Go to full article]
Dropping the H-Bomb on V-Day
Reader question: I found out that I have genital herpes almost 2 years ago. I freaked out and didn't know quite how to handle it other than depression, guilt, drinking more than I should and a general WTF! So questions were asked… How do I date? How do I flirt and then drop the H-bomb on that special someone? [Go to full article]
Pasties and a G-String
The lovely Miss Bella Sue Devianti is clearly a fan of the color purple. She has striking purple eyebrow tattoos, purple hair and a fabulous purple feather boa that she went to great lengths to obtain at Closet Classics on North Avenue. Bella Sue is working hard to add more color to our fair city through monthly performances of the burlesque troupe she founded last year, the Alley Cat Revue Milwaukee. [Go to full article]
Erotic Milwaukee -- Not an Oxymoron
It's no secret that Milwaukee has an inferiority complex. People seem to think that in order to see or do something unique and creative, you have to go to Chicago. This is true for sex-themed events as much as it is for others -- our fair citizens in search of a swingers' party, BDSM club, or sexy show often head south. [Go to full article]
Lip Service, Part 1
Reader question: I really enjoy your column and have a question. Do you have any suggestions on how to perform oral sex well? [Go to full article]
All In the Family
I'm sitting in the Alterra on Prospect Avenue with Ashe, Boone and Lyndzi, three members of a four-person polyamorous relationship. They define their group as a "polyfidelitous N," which is a succinct way of saying that the four of them are in an exclusive non-monogamous relationship where not all members have romantic relationships with each other.[Go to full article]
Dream Come True?
Reader question: I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about six months now. I've always asked her to tell me what turns her on and what turns her off because I want our sex life to be healthy and frequent for as long as possible. I've recently discovered that she often has erotic dreams of other guys (mainly celebrities), and she actually has orgasms while dreaming... [Go to full article]
You Will Have Many Great Adventures This Year -- In Bed
If your family participates in the long-standing tradition of seeing a movie and eating at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas day, you may have played the familiar game where you sex up the predictions received in fortune cookies by adding "in bed" to the end of the fortune. [Go to full article]
Oral Communication
Reader question: My wife and I had a sexual relationship for a little more than seven years before we got married. For that entire time, and for quite a few years after we were married, oral sex was always part of foreplay, and from time to time she would go down on me until I came... [Go to full article]
Open Marriages, Secrets and Lies
Reader question: My wife and I met when she was 14 and I was 16. For the past 26 years we have had an open marriage-as long as there were no secrets. I just found out (through her unattended e-mail) that she has a secret boyfriend. [Go to full article]
Anatomy and Algebra
Last week I moderated a panel at UW-Milwaukee as part of the campus' observation of World AIDS Day. I have to admit that, before the event, I was worried about what kind of attendance we'd get. HIV used to be the thing that grabbed people's attention... [Go to full article]
What’s Up Down There?
At almost any class that I lead on a college campus, I receive questions similar to the following ones from a UW-Milwaukee workshop on sexual pleasure: "How do you convince a girl to put it in her ass?" and "Can girls have anal orgasms?" [Go to full article]
Give Yourself a Hand
Since it's Thanksgiving, I wanted to choose a topic that related in some way to our families, and I settled on masturbation. Stay with me if you're thinking, "Masturbation? What does that have to do with family?" [Go to full article]
I’ll Tell You Mine If You’ll Tell Me Yours
Reader question: How do I bring up nontraditional sexual topics with my wife of many years? [Go to full article]
On Gender and Genitals
November 20 is the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, founded in 1998 to memorialize those who are killed due to fear of or bias against transgender people... I'd like to use this week's column to answer a question frequently asked in any class I teach about gender identity: how do transgender people have sex? [Go to full article]
Use A Little Restraint
One of the most common sexual fantasies involves bondage: tying up a partner or being tied up yourself. What is it about restraints that make them such a perpetual turn-on? For answers, I talked with Lee Harrington, a nationally known rope bondage expert who is visiting Milwaukee next week. [Go to full article]
Slutty Pirates, Ponies and Princesses Unite!
In late October a few years ago I was teaching an undergraduate seminar on gender and sexuality. One of my female students stormed into class clutching a copy of the student newspaper, in which there was an article written by two male students that basically mocked women for dressing as sluts on Halloween. [Go to full article]
On-the-Job Training
Reader question: I married young, and was very inexperienced.[My wife] came from a very religious family, and she had a lot of sexual hang-ups. I was young, cared about her and would not push her out of her very small comfort zone; however, a terrible sex life did eventually snowball and end our marriage... [Go to full article]
Is Coming Out Still Relevant?
National Coming Out Day occurred Oct. 11. This day, recognized by schools and community organizations across the country, encourages gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer people to share and celebrate their identities. [Go to full article]
What's Your Number?
Reader question: My girlfriend of three months asked me how many women I had had sex with. I told her three, including her. When I asked her the same question, she said, “Eight, nine…no, 10.” At other times, she has told me that she had been with six, including me. I know of five major boyfriends before me. The different answers bother me... [Go to full article]
Getting Schooled
This week, I turn the tables by asking my readers some questions. Students have been back at school for a month now, and I talked with a few from local colleges and universities about what they wished their parents had told them about sex before they were all grown up. [Go to full article]
Coming Together: Sex Toys for Two
Reader question: I am a 26-year-old bisexual female.I just got into a relationship with a woman for the first time. My partner and I have used a vibrator once, and I really enjoyed it. My question to you is: How do I ask her to use it again? [Go to full article]
Trapped in the Closet
Reader question: I am a VERY closeted bisexual male who is in a relationship with a long-term girlfriend. I have not told her that I am bisexual. I'm about a No. 2 on the Kinsey Scale, maybe 2.5 (but definitely not a 3). I do prefer women more than men. When we first started going out, the sex was good, and I was faithful... [Go to full article]
It’s Perfectly Normal
Last week, I received a call from a free-lance writer working on an article for a national magazine. Her editor had instructed her to contact owners of sex toy stores across the country to gather tales of the newest, juiciest and most titillating trends that we were seeing among our customers. [Go to full article]
What’s Sex? Think Outside Your Box
Welcome to SEXpress, the Shepherd Express’ new sex advice column. As your lovely hostess, I’ll be answering your questions, interviewing nationally known sexperts as they travel through our city, and sharing my thoughts about all things sex related. How did I get this plum job, you ask? [Go to full article]
